Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sure, Failure Is Always An Option

I headed out at night last Monday, and my whole drive north was a two-day speed marathon and frantic rush to gather rented and bought equipment.  Even ended up at Wallmart in the middle of the night, which actually almost saved my project again.


But regardless, it turns out that I have indeed failed.  I failed to reach the top of Mt. Rainier with my guided team.

  
I skipped climbing Mt. Hood first so that I could lock down the last of my equipment for Rainier, but apparently still lost way too much sleep in the process.  Basically, after many months of training, I was still too out of shape to handle a mountain like Rainier with a mini music studio thrown into my pack, and with or without enough sleep.  It was only ten or so extra pounds above the climbing equipment, but apparently made all the difference, and I'm even wondering if that would 
have mattered, considering how much more worn I felt than the other team members by the
 time we hit Camp Muir.

I might have been able to do the summit by leaving my laptop there, but that would have kind of defeated the idea of this project--to arrive at the top of a mountain, and while there, record and produce some music inspired by it. 
 
And hiring someone to carry your stuff for you, or renting
 yourself a chopper flight to the top to make EXTREME MUSIC up there would not cut it either.  

This project is as much about the conquest as it is about the artistic principal.  It is a complete concept, and executing it with 
compromises would render it a totally different concept.

Even so, at least I'm not negative enough to give up and call it "destiny" or some BS like that.
  Luckily, my life doesn't depend on whether or not I reach my goals right away, even though it
 looks and feels as though it does.
  
There were some good aspects to this week's experience, aside from gaining new respect for Mt. Rainier and learning the total magnitude of what climbing it will entail.  
I made some Cambient music (vocal ambient music) at Camp Muir, which is what I'm planning for every mountain top.  During this session I learned that I was far less musically ready than I had thought.  I will now practice extra hard for Mt. Hood so that the music won't totally bite, essentially.   ;)

Also, I gained the support and curiosity of the RMI guides who headed the climb---Jake, Thomas and Eric.  Jake, the team leader, was a very serious and passionate guide who busted my butt every step of the way, yet his deep understanding of my philosophy and his overall enthusiasm for the project have inspired me in ways I did not plan on.  Among other people, I will be hearing his voice in my head during the coming months, helping to drive me forward.
  
Thomas and Eric were also very interested and inspirational figures.  Thomas, having a mind for literature, made even the deepest sides of my intellect feel embraced and appreciated.  I hope we continue to stay in touch in some way.  And I hope I can find a way to re-approach Rainier with that same selection of guides next Summer.

Having to wait another year to try again is far more ominous than it looks; God knows what may happen by then, especially with everything else I'm trying to accomplish, and with my rapidly depleting resources.  I would not even wait another year if I had the money to attempt Rainier again this season, but I will now have to raise it.

Suddenly, I no longer have blinders on about how finishing this project, and it's accompanying film, is far off on the horizon.  This project is actually still in it's starting phase, and after everything I've done so far, that's hard for me to believe.

 In all honesty, I am at a point in my life where finding support and understanding for my radical and seemingly fruitless idea(s) is growing scarce.  
Many friends, and even my family now 
find it hard to be patient with my absence and my ill-matched
 neediness.  From the outside, it just looks like I'm being my same old "selfish self," and I suppose that's not altogether untrue.  
Unfortunately, in life, selfishness seems to be required to achieve one's goals and/or visions, or to simply make one's own dream come true.  They never teach you that in children's books, or lecture you about it in Optimism 101. 
 
Ultimately, I suppose the real question becomes, "Is completing my goal going to end up being something that serves a useful purpose to others, at all?"  One would say "...if the answer is yes, then it must be a worthy goal," but considering how many great accomplishments throughout history have been achieved through pure self indulgence, and without any knowledge of the outcome, I'm not sure that that's an accurate evaluation method.

But I'm just using my blog as a therapeutic sounding board at this point.  My rantings and inner-most thoughts will not change the fact that over the next couple of weeks, here in Washington, I will summit four mountains of the Cascade Volcanic Arch, unless something else randomly significant gets in the way. 
 
Each summit will be a momentous achievement, and I will report them one by one.  Right now I'm staying with my friend Dave (whom I climbed St. Helens with in 93) and his family in Tacoma.  Good, old friends.  Today I plan on returning my gear to a store in Portland, OR, and then driving to the Timberline Lodge where I will head out on the trail for Mt. Hood summit the next morning.  I should be back in Tacoma a few days from now.

Also, I recently found a lot more info about Mt. Olympus then was made available before I left, and I'm realizing that I won't be able to climb that mountain either.  It turns out to be a class 4 technical ice climb, and requires a partner, a team or vast experience.  I don't have the money right now.  When I learned of this, I researched the possibility of climbing Mt. Baker instead, but as I suspected, it's the second largest in the state to Rainier and thus demands the same requirements.


Sure, this is all mildly frustrating, but I'm continuing on with
 those parts of the project that are within my control, and perhaps I'll be able to approach Baker or Olympus next year when I do Rainier.  Whether I do or not, it may not make much of a difference.  Olympus is not a panoramic view, and Baker is an extremely unpopular mountain.  Perhaps these things should not detour me, but I have to consider the footage and the project principal.

Here is a short film of the Rainier attempt.  I almost didn't post it.

Meantime, upwards.

Talk to you after Hood.  And yes, I'm still excited about that.

Dean


P.S.  Here is some of the music I've been listening to, and that I always bond with, deeply, in this part of the country:
Talk Talk
Sun Kill Moon
Radiohead
Tangerine Dream
Mark Isham
Ian Boddy
Loaded Coil
Jeff Pierce
Jon Hopkins
Ulrich Schnaus
Dntel
Cathrine Feeny
Even some:
Portishead
Lamb
Massive Attack
And have been discovering:
Helios
Album Leaf
Tycho
More soon...

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